Selena Gomez's Big Boobs Buried Epstein's Client List

The much-discussed “Epstein client list” appears to have just been discovered buried in the busty bosom of actress Selena Gomez.

Selena’s big breasts must have swept up the list into their gravitational vortex while she and her Mexican cleaning crew compatriots were scrubbing the makeup stains off of Attorney General Pam Bondi’s desk.

Unfortunately, now that the Epstein client list is about to be out in the open, it is time for me to come clean and admit that I, Durka Durka Mohammed, am on the list… It is something I am quite ashamed about, not the kid diddling part of course as that is every Muslim’s divine right, but rather the cavorting with a filthy Zionist Jew like Jeffrey Epstein. Although in my defense, I was heavily into the fermented yak’s milk during that period of my life, and wasn’t thinking clearly.

Regardless, let us move past my indiscretion to the more important matter of what to do about Selena’s outrageously enormous udders, which have clearly evolved into a national security threat.

Yes, Selena’s massive mammaries are no doubt a treasure trove of lost items. Beyond the refried beans, lip gloss tubes, and car keys (likely to a 1998 Toyota Corolla), who knows what else lurks within their labyrinthine depths? Nuclear launch codes? Colonel Sanders’ 11 herbs and spices secret recipe? Or perhaps even the Ark of the Covenant, wedged uncomfortably between a half-eaten chalupa and a glittery scrunchie.