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The Story of Durka Durka Mohammed

Behold the epic saga of Durka Durka Mohammed, birthed amidst the bleating squalor of a goat-infested hovel in Kandahar, Afghanistan—where the air stank of dung and destiny! At an early age, Durka was diagnosed with what the local doctor called “Camel Spit for Brains“, a diagnosis so dire his family banished him to the goat pens, lest the neighbors catch wind of their drooling disgrace. This was fine with Durka Durka, because he loved goats… a lot.

One fateful morn, Durka’s father stumbled upon a scene most unholy: his son, wrist-deep in the voluptuous hindquarters of Penelope Anne, the clan’s prize war goat and undisputed queen of the herd. “By Allah’s beard, no more!” roared Papa Mohammed, dragging the hoof-humping hedonist to Kabul and chucking him at some doe-eyed Christian missionaries. They whisked young Durka to the Great Satan’s lair—America—where the streets are paved with sin and the goats are suspiciously hard to come by.

The beautiful and seductive war goat Penelope Anne

Tragically, soon after arriving in America, Durka’s adopted parents simultaneously committed suicide by repeatedly stabbing themselves in the back with a scimitar and then lighting themselves on fire. Durka used the blood-soaked insurance bounty he collected from their deaths to study at the prestigious Riyadh College of Veterinary Medicine, where he earned his master’s in goat science.

It was during his time in Riyadh that Durka fell under the tutelage of the brilliant Imam Haid D’Salaami. He taught Durka about the dangers of the female flesh and how, as Muslims, it was their duty to constantly be on the lookout for sinful female sexual expression and police it with a stick and a scowl.

Durka’s mentor and spiritual advisor Imam Haid D’Salaami

After college, Durka was ready to settle down. As a virile Muslim and competent cocksman, it didn’t take long for Durka to acquire his first wife, the exquisite desert rose, Ermina. However, there was no happily-ever-after for Durka and Ermina. One day, Durka returned home early from tending his goats to find Ermina reading a People magazine. Of course, Durka had no choice but to stone Ermina to death right there on the spot.

Durka and Ermina’s engagement photo

Heartbroken, Durka swore to avenge Ermina’s death by destroying the poisonous celebrity culture that had killed her. Durka stormed back to America, landing in the Sodom of Los Angeles. Armed with grainy nudes, righteous fatwas, and a strong Wi-Fi connection, he birthed CelebJihad.com, a holy Islamic jihad against the harlots of Hollywood. The rest, as they say, is history.