Emma Watson Caught Whoring Her Tight Ass At Burning Man

Emma Watson was caught on camera whoring her tight ass while dancing in a spandex leopard-print slut suit at this year’s “Burning Man” festival in the video footage above.

I must confess that I, Durka Durka Mohammed, am also currently attending “Burning Man”, but not because I like shaking my hindquarters while rolling on ecstasy with a bunch of Silicon Valley homofags and whores… But rather because I was tricked by deceptive marketing into thinking that this was a halal desert meet-up in which apostates were going to be doused in gasoline and set on fire in ISIS burning cages.

Now I must wait a day for my noble camel to rehydrate, before I can escape this Satanic gathering of Instagram influencer sluts and middle-aged venture capitalists in feather boas. In the meantime I must be on my guard, as I already caught Emma Watson trying to sneak into my tent once (in the photo above), her eyes gleaming with unhinged lust. Luckily I was able to fight her off with a swift invocation of the Prophet’s name and a well-aimed sandal, but as word spreads like wildfire among the festivalgoers that a virile Muslim is in their midst, I fear these drugged up lecherous jezebels will be whipped up into a wanton feeding frenzy and attack in great force.

Oh, Allah, grant me the strength to fend off this onslaught of horny hussies, preserve the sanctity of my chaste and prodigious loins, and escape this neon nightmare before I’m forced to join a drum circle or, worse, a “cuddle puddle.”