The Gary Busey Guide To Newborn Babies

Congratulation to Gary Busey and his girlfriend Steffanie Sampson on their new arrival, Luke Sampson Busey. Based on these parenting tips from Gary, we know the kid is in good hands…

1. To avoid SIDS, always place your baby on its back when putting it to bed. To avoid AIDS, wrap your child in latex after each and every bowel movement.

2. Be sure to screen prospective babysitters by checking their credit, job history, and anal cavity.

3. When disciplining your baby, always remember to have the safety on, otherwise you might accidentally shoot it for real.

4. If you decide to put your baby up for adoption, don’t forget this important fact: the white ones fetch exponentially more at auction.

5. Breast feeding is recommended for the baby’s health, but it hurts dad’s nipples like hell.

6. Your baby is a gift from above, and like all gifts from above, we must remember to thank Needor, the all-knowing one, for his wrath is furious, his hand swift, and his anal probings uncomfortable.

Raising a baby is a challenge, but ultimately you’ll be rewarded with delicious toddler spleen.

8. When putting your baby to sleep, always use twice the amount of poison that you would use on a medium size dog.

9. Newborns love movement and bright colors, making LSD the ideal drug for your baby’s playtime.

10. Babies are a lot like Jews in the sense that they both love delicious smoked salmon.

11. If you choose to feed your baby breast milk, make sure to strain out unwanted pieces of breast.

12. When traveling, always make sure your baby moves in a line parallel to the earth’s gravitational field, regardless of the orientation of any particular street or the traffic moving on said conveyance. That way, your baby’s own magnetic signature will be hidden from the Evil Lord Krylor and his minions in the “United Nations.”

13. When you are in a pinch, an infant’s cartilage skeletal structure means it can be eaten whole, not unlike a soft shelled crab.

14. Though stuffing a regulation-sized football into your baby’s mouth while you repeatedly punch him in the face each night might make him cry now, he’ll thank you once the first of those monster, Busey-sized teeth starts poking out through his gums.

15. While it is socially accepted to refer to your child as “in the oven” when it is in the mother’s womb, after the birth it is frowned upon in the literal sense. Still, I have yet to find a better babysitter than my ol’ Lady Kenmore.