Arnold Schwarzenegger To Marry Maid Mildred

Arnold Schwarzenegger is set to announce that when his divorce from wife Maria Shriver is final, he will marry his former maid and long time mistress Mildred Baena.

We have received an advanced copy of the press release Arnold Schwarzenegger will be releasing to announce his pending engagement, and have posted it below.

First, I would again like to apologize to my children and my family for any embarrassment I may have caused them.

The decision to terminate my marriage was not easy, but I have reached a point in my life were I can no longer deny what my heart wants, and that is Mildred.

I know I will be the butt of many jokes because of Mildred’s appearance, but frankly I do not care. For me Mildred is the perfect woman. She cleans the house, makes delicious guacamole, doesn’t care if I sleep around, and gives the best blowjobs I’ve had in my life.

What do I want with one of those model gold-digging fame whores that I have to take clubbing and worry about giving me herpes? I am 64 years old for Christs sake! I want my toilets clean, my stomach full, and my balls empty. Mildred provides all that, and unlike my first wife knows when to keep her dumb yapper shut.

So all you girlie men out there keep hating, but remember… I’ll be back!