American Celebrities Growing Extra Digits

Ellen Pompeo, who plays a (pfft) woman doctor on the TV show Grey’s Anatomy, has possibly grown an extra digit on her foot in an effort to differentiate herself from the lower castes of American society. Fortunately, the future schism to occur between five-toed and six-toed Americans will result in a fractured populace incapable of defending itself from bombs, both dirty and clean, and missiles, both dumb and smart.

While this news is promising for our endeavor, the possibility that a creature as weak as a women could grow a toe means that the stronger, superior men could grow extra arms or, Allah forbid, secondary or tertiary heads. More research must be done immediately to understand the genetic process. This is the science we have come to fear.