The Ashlee Simpson Guide to Newborn Babies

Congratulation to Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz on their new arrival, Bronx Mowgli Wentz. Based on these parenting tips from Ashlee, we know the kid is in good hands…

1. If your baby comes out a few shades darker than normal, reassure your husband that it’s just because the baby, much like its father, has the rhythm & soul of a black man.

2. Baby formula and cocaine are similar in color and texture, so the Enfamil container is a great place to hide your stash. Just don’t forget it’s in there, or you’re going to have a hell of a time getting your kid to sleep.

3. While most babies can’t live on mayonnaise alone, the really strong ones can.

4. If you’re pregnant for the second time, have an abortion. I’m sure the baby would rather die than live in the shadow of its more attractive older sibling.

5. Remember ladies; not everyone can land a professional football player. But suicidal bi-sexual emo singers make great fathers too.

6. Whatever you do, don’t let “Uncle Tony” hold the baby. He couldn’t hang onto a balloon if he was wearing duct tape gloves.

7. If your new-born child turns out to be one of those talking baby geniuses, put it in a sack and throw it off a bridge. I’ve read my bible, and talking babies ain’t in there.

8. Make sure the vocal track is turned all the way up before lip syncing lullabies to your baby.

9. If your baby’s nose doesn’t look right, set aside $5000 and invest in a low cost indexed fund. Otherwise, inflation will kill you on the cost of rhinoplasty when your child turns 13.

10. When selecting a brand of diapers, DO NOT purchase Huggies. Do you know how many Huggy Bears they kill each year to make those?

11. If your baby develops slowly, it might not be as retarded as you think. My parents thought I was retarded and look how I turned out.

12. Ladies, remember to always put your purse in the back seat so that when you get out of the car you don’t forget your baby.

13. Raising a newborn is hard, thankless work. Make sure you hire enough Guatemalans to handle the job.

14. Remember, you don’t need to come up with a clever name like Bronx Mowgli to make sure your kid stands out. Tattooing the words “Homo Handjob” onto his forehead should work just as well.