Ashlee Simpson’s Marriage Fall Out (Boy)

Well, Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson lasted as long as they could, but they’re calling their marriage quits after a couple of years. It’s unknown exactly where it all went wrong, but it’s safe to say that the marriage was doomed when everyone realized that Pete Wentz was going to wed a woman.

It will probably take a few months to sort out ownership of the various hair straightening products and dildos, but after that, all parties involved should be ready to move on for the sake of the unfortunately-named Bronx Mowgli Simpson Wentz. Ugh.

The best part about the divorce is that, if only for a minute, we will get the worst celebrity dad of them all, Joe Simpson, back in our lives. He’ll probably disclose that the troubles started when Pete told him in confidence that his daughter had a corkscrew-shaped cervix that made making love not only difficult, but downright painful. Look for that statement and more on the cover of next week’s US Weekly.