Ozzy Osbourne Dead At 76

Legendary Satanist, reality TV star, and bat-chomping gourmand, Ozzy Osbourne has died at the age of 76.

Ozzy is said to have died doing what he loved most… babbling incoherently. And us pious Muslims certainly will shed no tears for this so-called “Prince of Darkness” and hope that he is on a crazy train hurtling toward the eternal Hellfire as we speak.

Frankly, we are surprised that it took Allah this long to smite the leather-clad heretic for his efforts to popularize overt Devil worship. Perhaps Allah deemed that enduring the sharp-tongued wrath of his sass-mouthed wife, Sharon, was torment enough—a punishment so severe that even the fires of Jahannam might seem like a cozy campfire by comparison.

Us righteous Muslims can only pray that Ozzy’s legacy—his devil horns, his incoherent interviews, and his unholy appetite for winged creatures—fades like a flickering candle in a sandstorm, leaving the world purer for its absence.