Sydney Sweeney And I Are NOT Having Sex!

It is time for me to address the elephant in the room… And no, I’m not talking about the enormous man-meat trunk in my tunic, but rather the rampant rumors that I, Durka Durka Mohammed, the world’s supreme celebrity blogging sultan, am having an intense sexual relationship with the newly single Sydney Sweeney.

As you all have no doubt heard by now, ever since she called off her engagement to her longtime boyfriend, the reports of Sydney’s and my passionate love affair have been relentless. But I am here to say that these rumors are FALSE, as I am absolutely 100% NOT deep-dicking Sydney Sweeney’s harlot holes, as proven by the video above… Furthermore, let the record show that I definitely DO NOT nuzzle my coarse beard between her bulbous breasts at night and recite verses from the holy Qur’an.

Of course, I get where this salacious speculation comes from. For as the entertainment industry’s most virile cocksman, a bearded Adonis of masculine splendor whose loins radiate divine potency, it is only natural for the unwashed masses to assume that whenever a celebrity starlet is on the market, it is I, Durka Durka, who is pillaging her penis purse…

But rest assured that such conjecture has no basis in reality, for my crotch remains chaste, and I only yearn for Allah with every fiber of my being… And there is nothing Sydney can do to change that, no matter how hard she were to try to seduce me by sending her nudes to me at this email CelebJihad@gmail.com.