Rihanna Risks Ultimate Beating

Less than one year after getting beat down by Chris Brown, Rihanna is dating again. Her choice? Somewhat curious considering it is a man who makes his living swinging a baseball bat – Dodgers slugger Matt Kemp.

Standing at 6’3, 230 pounds Kemp is equipped to throttle the obviously masochistic Rihanna in a way that she never imagined possible. Nicknamed “The Bison” for both his size, aggressiveness, and raw style of play, Kemp is capable of a Rihanna ass-whooping that would make Chris Brown’s handiwork look like a scraped knee in comparison.

While the relationship is still in the honeymoon period, it is only a matter of time until the man MLB scouts call “the NFL’s loss” gets sick of Rihanna refusing to shut her man pleaser and uses her for a little late-night batting practice. Below are a few photos of the pre-Rihanna Matt Kemp moments of rage:

Kemp practices a chokehold guaranteed to “shut that bitch up”

Kemp throws a rage-filled right hook while “blacking out and seeing red,” testimony he will draw upon in open court six-months from now

Kemp works on his “What the f*ck?!” face when the jury convicts him of aggravated assault in court

Kemp practices being restrained after beating Rihanna within an inch of her life

Kemp goes into “Beast Mode” (as his T-shirt states) and practices “blasting that bitch with a bottle of champagne”