Confessions From Neverland

Celeb Jihad has exclusive interviews with staff workers at Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch. These are the real people who saw the real Michael Jackson up close and, often times, way too personal. You won’t get these on CNN, FOX or even TMZ. Why? Because they didn’t think to send a meth head to work undercover as a “child wrangler” at Neverland ranch. Now that’s investigative journalism.

	“Mr Jackson had me order $15,000 in Plantain trees, and plant them throughout the property. He said he wanted those “sweet tiny bananas that fit in my mouth.” Michael was surprisingly agile. He would scamper up those trees like a little spider monkey to suckle on those plantains. He usually would not even wait for them to ripen.” Emmanuel Scott, Neverland’s Grounds Keeper
	“Mr. Michael do some loco things. Sometime he come in my chamber and tell me I boy named Magnus. I say ‘No Mr. Michael, I Isabel!’ and he say to shut up and earn pay. Those nights muy malo. I no sleep good after that.” Isabel Urenda, Neverland Maid, Guest House #2
	“Man, that cat was a crazy mutha. One time I caught him tea-baggin’ a copy of Tiger Beat when he thought no one was around. Who tea-bags a magazine anyway? Sheeyit.” LaMont Johnson, Neverland Porcelin Detail Specialist
	“The media keeps talking about how much he spent a month on prescription drugs, but that was nothing when compared to some of his other monthly expenses. For instance, he spent $12,200 a month training male koalas to rape light-skinned mannequins. He also paid a homeless man $24,500 a month to act as a scout for new runaways on the Hollywood area. These are only a few of the odder activities I was aware of.” Winston Jefferson III, Neverland Bookkeeper
	“One time I saw him take a magazine photo of Lisa Marie Presley into the yard, pull down his pants and take a poo-poo on it. Then he calmly picked it up, folded it in half and shoved it down the front of a butler’s pants. The weird thing about that story is that it doesn’t even crack the top ten list of craziest shit I seen him do.” Deshawn Hess, Neverland Dishwasher
	“He used to dry hump llamas a lot. The llamas didn’t seem to like it much, but Mike sure did.” Carlton Throop, Neverland Rollercoaster Repairman
	“I was somewhat disturbed that the face on the waxwork figure of Elizabeth Taylor in Michael’s bedroom had to be regularly refurbished due to apparent melt marks. That and the accompanying stench of urine…” Enrico Castellano, Neverland Collectible Thimble Curator.
	“I remember on one occasion myself and one of the maids returned unexpectedly early from a night at the movies. We were horrified to see McCauley Culkin running across the lobby towards us, stark naked, with Michael in hot pursuit. It was only when he got closer that we realized that Michael had shaved Bubbles again! Oh how we laughed!” Consuela Guerra, Neverland Napkin Co-ordinator (breakfasts and brunches)
	“The oddest thing I ever saw him do was make Macaulay Culkin tear off both ends of a Pixie Stick, pour it onto a mirror and snort it through the straw. But that wasn’t the weird part. After that he shoved and entire king-size box of Ju Ju Bees up his own ass and then they rode Pirates of the Carribean to trip out on their ‘sugar high.'” Walter MacKenzie, Private Movieroom Concession Vendor
	“One time I thought I walked in on him having sex with a woman, but then I realized it was just the fat kid from Two and a Half Men.” Cecil Higgins, Night Shift Private Investigator
	“Every Friday it was my job to blow bubbles. Also, on Tuesdays I would perform oral sex on his pet chimp, whose name I cannot recall at this time.” Mike Luguna – Head of Bubble Blowing Operations and Chimp Fellatio Management
	“It was my job to make sure that the Never Land bathrooms were stocked with enough feminine care products to accommodate the female guests. I stopped going to work in 1997, but he never noticed. He still sends me a check twice a month.” Margret Joiner -Feminine-Care Product Coordinator