Lindsay Lohan’s Prison Survival Guide

Barring an act of Allah or a presidential pardon, Lindsay Lohan is headed for prison. While the “big house” is no place for a lovely young girl like Lindsay, the following tips will help her get through unscathed (and unshived).

1. Prison blow is weak. Make sure to pack your orifices tight with that sweet pure Bogota white before you’re incarcerated.

2. On your first day in prison, find the biggest, baddest girl in the place and eat her out. That will teach the other inmates not to f*ck with you.

3. Prison is a lot like Freaky Friday in the sense that you’ll spend a lot of time with women like Jaimie Lee Curtis inside you.

4. Fighting boredom is key. Keep yourself busy by lifting weights or learning to read.

5. When in the shower, be sure not to drop your exfoliator or shea butter hair mask. Prison shower floors are filthy!

6. If a prison guard comes on to you, it’s best to do what he wants. You never know, he could have a cousin who is a bouncer at a hot club, or something.

7. If someone comes after you, fall back on your acting chops. While using your expert British accent, explain to your attacker that you’re actually “Lindsay’s long-lost twin sister from England.”

8. Although only one letter apart, the words “snatch” and “snitch” have very different meanings in the Pen. One will save your life, and the other will get you killed.

9. In prison, Herbie the Love Bug isn’t a cute Disney character, but rather the nickname for an aggressive strain of crabs that can survive an entire can of Raid.

10. If someone yells “Cut!” in prison, it’s not the end of the scene, but rather the beginning of the action. Act accordingly.

11. Upon your release, adjusting to life on the outside may prove difficult. I recommend a strict regiment of alcohol and prescription drugs to help you cope.