Elizabeth Olsen And I Did NOT Have Sex!




With the video above of Elizabeth Olsen and me circulating online fueling salacious speculation that I have stretched her sex holes with my enormous crescent-shaped tunic snake, I have no choice but to face these vicious and libelous rumors head-on and state unequivocally that Elizabeth and I did NOT have sex!


Elizabeth Olsen side boob

Sadly, I have had to grow accustomed to this sort of lascivious gossip, for as a virile Muslim titan in the entertainment industry running the world’s most beloved celebrity news website, it is naturally assumed that I am deep-dicking all of heathen Hollywood’s top harlots with my gigantic Islamic genitals. Yet let it be known that my penis is as pious as it is prodigious, and has NOT entered even one of Elizabeth’s moist orifices… Not even the tip.


Elizabeth Olsen knees

Whence came these vile rumors about Elizabeth Olsen and me, you ask? The source remains shrouded in the mists of infidel treachery, but I cannot help but cast a suspicious eye toward her camp. For it’s no secret that being romantically linked to a swarthy, turbaned cocksman like myself carries with it a certain cachet and would greatly help her career.



But lo, this is not merely my burden! My Muslim brothers across the West can attest to the relentless sexual aggression we endure from the infidel harpies. These brazen women, with their uncovered hair and shameless lust, catcall us in the streets, grope our sacred crotches on public transportation, and worse still, they stalk us to our very homes, squatting in our bushes, pleasuring themselves with reckless abandon while peering through our bedroom windows, hoping to catch a glimpse of us on our prayer mats.



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